turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
