you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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