The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
