Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
