My first STD was from a foam party
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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