if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
