It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
