He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
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Woke up backwards on a recliner
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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