A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
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Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
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He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.