He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.