Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
