chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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