But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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