We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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