I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Randomize
