Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
