call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
