I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
