When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
