My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
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Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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