when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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