Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We're too hungover to prance.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
