Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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