There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
