Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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