Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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