she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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