I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
