so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
