I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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