I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
