4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
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She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
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