he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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