I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
