I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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