dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Randomize
