see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
