This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
