He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
