I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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