Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
