I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
