that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
