i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
