I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
