Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
