Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
