once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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