What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
