I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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