Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
