you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
