It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
