So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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