We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
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Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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