The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
