I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
