I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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