Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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