Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
