Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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