[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
